| NOW SHOWING: MY LIFE |
| Not your ordinary life story...featured is the life of a girl (I'm yet to be convinced before I call myself a woman...), who is, after a long time of searching, has finally found her peace in God's presence... see her as she go fulfill the Lord's plans in her life.. join her in her adventures, drama and even comedy moments.. all in the name of discovering her purpose...
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| today iam...
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| previous posts |
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the hole in my heart
a song from a weary heart
Hear me now
a letter for alex
how i miss blogging
keeping my silence
big girl na ko, i should know what to do
from an overflowing heart
very much thankful
once again i've found myself crying
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| in spotlight: Farewell Waltz (Milan Kundera)
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Sincerity requires self-knowledge. You cannot be sincere because you didn't know what there is within you.
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| just a thought
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Love feels no burden, thinks nothing of trouble, attempts what is above its strength, pleads no excuse of impossibility.
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maystar * designs
| Tuesday, August 31, 2004 |
ok then, a quiz could be a good start..
What Kind of SOUL do you posses?
You have a Calm Soul! Being calm and cool is what
you do best. You collected thoughts and always
positive attitude make you very bright and
logical. When theres a problem, you know how to
approach it, and solve it. Your friends rely on
you on their problems, and your shoulder for
their crying. You are peaceful, and enjoy
nature and freedom. You rarely get angry and
hardly scream, which makes you good with kids.
You seem to be in tune with the world and if
anything goes wrong, you always bounce back.
brought to you by Quizilla
# posted by joSlyn @ 9:22 AM
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I'm finally breaking the silence here in my blog.
Oh, I just miss blogging for about two weeks now with nothing to post except for quotations (thanks to Rainer Maria Rilke and to our daily bread devotional), leaving my own thoughts undisturbed.. unsaid..
maybe i just needed some time to contemplate.. to think things over.. to confront the inner monster within my soul..
# posted by joSlyn @ 8:40 AM
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| Friday, August 27, 2004 |
When we, having nothing left but God,
Remember that God alone is enough...
# posted by joSlyn @ 2:05 PM
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| Wednesday, August 18, 2004 |
excerpts from Rainer Maria Rilke's Letters to a Young Poet:
... You are so young, so before all beginning, and I want to beg you, as much as I can, dear sir, to be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves like locked rooms and like books that are written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer. Perhaps you do carry within yourself the possibility of shaping and forming as a particularly happy and pure way of living: train yourself to it - but take whatever comes with great trust, and if only it comes out of your own will, out of some need of your inmost being, take it upon yourself and hate nothing.
# posted by joSlyn @ 1:27 PM
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i'll have a long weekend. my boss permitted me to go on leave starting tomorrow til Monday. don't know what to do with these free days though, maybe, just read, read, read... (i think i could finish Paulo Coelho's novel, Veronika Decides to Die) or perhaps watch VCDs.
oh how pathetic my life has become..
and this is because of this pain
it crushes me
like a virus
upsetting my entire system
i wish to come up with better ways of coping
better means to survive
to endure all the sufferings
to stand all the aches
im no superwoman
but at this point, how I wish I am
# posted by joSlyn @ 10:19 AM
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| Tuesday, August 17, 2004 |
i wish I was prepared for that
A normal Monday night, spent in watching TV together with my mom and sisters. My 5-year old niece bragging about her good performance in school then suddenly came her out-of-the-blue question: Kelan kayo ikakasal ni tito Alex?
My mother was fast to respond but rather with a shocking answer: Hindi na, kasi patay na siya.
Then my sister (in an effort to console me) added: Marami pang ibang darating sa buhay mo.
I was left with nothing to say. It seems that they've already reached a conclusion. And what am I supposed to feel? I understand them. The statement is but valid and more so, logical. My boyfriend has cancer. Last April, his cousin texted me and told me that he's in ICU. And that was my last info on his condition. Until now, no one from his family bothered to update me.
And what's the used of me telling this. Maybe because of one thing. I was hard hit by that statement. Yes, I've avoided that idea so many times. I really never thought of that. Until last night.
Here I am with all the hopes, without even knowing that people around me are already resigned to the idea of my boyfriend's death. And I just feel so alone. Battling this fight all by myself.
# posted by joSlyn @ 2:36 PM
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| Monday, August 16, 2004 |
i'm done reading William Barrett's Lilies of the Field last night.
It was a good reading. Can't help but identify myself with the
character, Homer Smith. Truly an eye opener.
"Nobody in all of his life, before this, had told him to build a church.
Nobody had ever said to him: Here is the ground and here I want a
church and it is your job to build it. It was like a call. It elevated him.
He was all alone, one man, with a hole in the ground and a church to
be built, and no one to tell him how."
"He did'nt know where or how, buth that was a problem of the future
and the future was never quite real to him. A man couldnt calculate
on time that hadn't arrived, happenings that hadn't happened."
"He lived in what he had, and with what he had, finding life good."
# posted by joSlyn @ 1:38 PM
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| Friday, August 13, 2004 |
We went to greenbelt last night to unwind.. Akala ko makakatulong, pero parang mas lalo lang akong nalungkot.
haay, kelan ba to matatapos?
# posted by joSlyn @ 3:46 PM
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(from top left: gerald, cielo, janetsky, precious,berchman,
ernest, me, betchay,edsel,bogs,hannah,russel,sly)
my deceived mistahs
*** nagkakila-kila sa opisina.. kakaibang batch ng mga kabataang astig!!! We rocked the office! Winindang natin sila!
Miss you guys! Sa ngayon, anim na lang kaming survivors dito..huhuhu..sana may reunion! Love you all!!!
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galing-galing naman.. I can now post pictures here in my blog.. Kinda fast-learner.. ahihihihi!!! :)
# posted by joSlyn @ 10:13 AM
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| Thursday, August 12, 2004 |
hope this could reach you
it has been four months of waiting
four long months of keeping the faith
on what we have
on what I feel
on what I know is real
i feel the pain consuming the whole of me
it wanted me to surrender this fight
and to choose the path that is less scary
but what could be more detrimental than uncertainty
it is giving up
it is losing hope
especially when you know that its all worth the pain
i hope you can see me now
and be proud on how your love changed me
the timid girl was gone
for your love gave me courage
it equipped me with the strength to get by
in times of doubt, I've sought refuge in your memories
thoughts of you calm my troubled spirit
oh babe
my love for you will never depart my soul
my heart will never be tired of loving you
# posted by joSlyn @ 2:10 PM
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| Wednesday, August 11, 2004 |
Never have I felt such a lightness of being. I'm neither happy nor sad. And the best thing is, I'm at peace. It feels like I'm somewhere else. In a place where no happy or sad thoughts can enter.
My spirit is rising high, taking refuge in an unknown space and time. Where the only thing that matters is my continuous existence.
I feel free yet amazed. Dazzled by the strangeness of this experience. I know it may end soon. But this rare event has thought me to dig deeper into the meaning of life.
Oh I love this seeming numbness covering my entirety. Now I can see right through my core self and I do like what I see. Not a broken and wary girl, only a simple being grateful for her opportunity to live.
# posted by joSlyn @ 11:30 PM
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| Tuesday, August 10, 2004 |
Life does not accomodate you, it shatters you...
Every seed destroys its container or else there would be no fruition.
- Florida Scott-Maxwell
# posted by joSlyn @ 12:57 PM
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is this what they call quarter-life crisis?
reference: email from a friend re Quarter Life Crisis
don't know if I'm just bored and/or for just the fun of it is digesting this article hoping that it could shed light on my present situation. but then again, let's see what this could give me:
the symptoms (this is quarter-life crisis according to the article)
It is when you stop going along with the crowd and start realizing that there are a lot of things about yourself that you didn't know and may not like. You start feeling insecure and wonder where you will be in a year or two, but then get hot and scared because you barely know where you are now. You start realizing that people are selfish and that, maybe, those friends that you thought you were so close to aren't exactly the greatest people you have ever met and the people you have lost touch with are some of the most important ones.
You look at your job. It is not even close to what you thought you would be doing or maybe you are looking for one and realizing that you are going to have to start at the bottom and are scared. You miss the comforts of college, of groups, of socializing with the same people on a constant basis. But then you realize that maybe they weren't so great after all. You are beginning to understand yourself and what you want and do not want. Your opinions have gotten stronger. You see what others are doing and find yourself judging a bit more than usual because suddenly you realize that you have certain boundaries in your life and add things to your list of what is acceptable and what is not. You are insecure and then secure. You laugh and cry with the greatest force of your life. You feel alone and scared and confused.
Suddenly change is the enemy and you cry and cling on to the past with dear life but soon realize that the past is drifting further and further away and there is nothing to do but stay where you are or move forward. The stupid ones plateau, the smart ones rise.
You get your heartbroken and wonder how someone you loved could do such damage to you or you lay in bed and wonder why you can't meet anyone decent enough to get to know better. You love someone but maybe love someone else too and cannot figure out why you are doing this because you are not a bad person.
You go through the same emotions and questions over and over and talk with your friends about the same topics because you cannot seem to make a decision. You wonder what in the hell is wrong with you.
You worry about loans and money and the future and making a life for yourself and while winning the race would be great, right now you'd just like to be a contender!
my realizations
i may be feeling confused now and it seems that everything about life scares me. The uncertainty of things bothers me that much that I have to cry over and over again just to unload myself of that creeping invasion of jealousy, anxiety and frustration. They say this is what reality is, with the power to overwhelm an individual, to make him feel less of himself and be sorry for his every weakness. But how can i really expect life on earth to be easy and sensitive to my needs/feelings well in fact from the start i know that im living in an already fallen world!!!
i should not be expecting much of this lifetime, cause there's still a "forever" to be excited of.. what remains true is that I'm not of this world and only a pilgrim waiting for my turn to get to heaven and claim the room which God has prepared for me. And this truth should give me a great relief knowing that everything shall come to pass. Every painful event shall see its end.
But God is not finished with me yet. That's why Im still here on earth battling every trial that comes my way. These hardships serve as God's tools to mold me in the person that He wants me to be. The person suited to the greatness of heaven..
all above claims are valid...yes especially on the realm of the mind. But deep inside my heart, where my faith resides and where God's throne is located.. something is being developed... the kind of endurance that was a product of the seed of faith that God has planted in my life.
Unto where God leads me, there should I be.. the exact situation to see how great my God is!!!
Others may call it quarter-life crisis, but i'll say that these are God's mysterious ways of bringing out the best in me..one of His creations that was wonderfully and fearfully made..
# posted by joSlyn @ 10:46 AM
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| Monday, August 09, 2004 |
FOOLISH man seeks happiness in the distance,
the WISE grows it under his feet...
# posted by joSlyn @ 9:03 AM
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| Friday, August 06, 2004 |
Stand still my heart
For the storm will soon be over
And a rainbow is about to give you hope
The sun will soon shine to give you light
# posted by joSlyn @ 2:57 PM
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yes, i feel like being on the edge. and its more than the parting of the red sea that I need. May sound depressing but I know my God, He'll never forsake me nor leave me. I consider this situation as an opportunity to manifest His greatness and glory.
for i'm sure that someday i would be grateful for being afflicted...
# posted by joSlyn @ 10:16 AM
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Being close to the edge is dangerous, and it's an exciting place to be, too. If you're not so sure about that "exciting" part, you need to spend a moment in reading Exodus 14 beginning in verse 9:
The ancient Jews have been delivered by God from their enslavement in Egypt and now they have made camp with the Red Sea in front of them. And the Bible says, "All Pharaoh's horses and chariots, horsemen, and troops pursued the Israelites and overtook them as they camped by the sea." Oh, great! Red Sea in front of them ... the most powerful army on earth behind them, in hot pursuit. We are at the edge, folks!
But remember -- it was God who led them to the edge. It usually is. If you're in the middle of a Red Sea Moment, it is most likely part of the great and loving plans of God for you. You know what happened when God's ancient people were at the edge. The Bible says, "The waters were
divided, and the Israelites went through the sea on dry ground with a wall of water on their right and on their left." Then when Moses stretched out his hand over the water, the Bible says, "the sea went back to its place. The Egyptians were fleeing toward it, and the Lord swept them
into the sea."
So why did God bring His people to this dangerous edge where there clearly seemed to be no solutions, no rescue? For the same reason He has brought you to the edge -- so you could see a more spectacular view of Him than you have ever seen before! Exodus says, "When the Israelites saw the great power of the Lord displayed against the Egyptians, the people feared the Lord and put their trust in Him" (Exodus 14:31).
If God has led you to this edge, then you have every right to expect a miracle - which you would never need or never see if it weren't for this scary, overwhelming moment. In any Red Sea moment you will ultimately see God part it. And once He does, you won't remember the danger much. What you'll remember is that spectacular view of God, and you'd never see it if you didn't go to the edge! It will change your life forever!
by Ron Hutchcraft
# posted by joSlyn @ 10:00 AM
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| Thursday, August 05, 2004 |
NOT WHAT YOU WANT BUT WHAT GOD WILLS
Do you want WHAT YOU WANT when you want it...
Do you pray and expect a reply,
And when it's not instantly answered
Do you feel that God passed you by?
Well, prayers that are prayed in this manner
Are really not prayers at all,
For you can't go to God in a hurry
And expect Him to answer your call...
For prayers are not meant for obtaining
What we selfishly wish to acquire.
For God in His wisdom refuses
The things that we wrongly desire...
And don't pray for freedom from trouble
Or ask that trials pass you by.
Instead, pray for strength and for courage
To meet life's "dark hours" and not cry
That God was not there when you called Him
And He turned a deaf ear to your prayer
And just when you needed Him most of all
He left you alone in despair...
WAKE UP! You are missing completely
The reason and purpose of prayer,
Which is really to keep us contented
That God holds us safely in His care...
And God only answers our pleadings
When He knows that our wants fill a need
And whenever "OUR WILL" becomes
"HIS WILL"
There is NO PRAYER THAT GOD DOES
NOT HEED!
(taken from jgat@mozcom.com)
# posted by joSlyn @ 12:44 PM
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I'm done with my monthly report.. isang report na lang at pwede na uling mag-leave!
Really need some time off. Things in the office are already suffocating. Yeah, i know, kakaleave ko lang two weeks ago. But im really stressed out. Siguro naman enough reason na yun to have a vacation.
I just submitted my leave form. I'll have two days break on 20 and 23 Aug. buti na lang holiday ang 19 Aug, mas humaba pa ang bakasyon ko. I wish na iapprove ng boss ko.
# posted by joSlyn @ 12:07 PM
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| Wednesday, August 04, 2004 |
The Gospel According to You
"You are our epistle, written in our
hearts, known and read to all men."
The Gospels of Matthew, Mark, Luke and John,
Are read by more than a few,
But the one that is most read and commented on
Is the gospel according to you.
You are writing a gospel, a chapter each day
By things that you do and words that you say,
Men read what you write, whether faithless or true.
Say, what is the gospel according to you?
Do men read His truth and His love in your life,
Or has yours been too full of malice and strife?
Does your life speak of evil, or does it ring true?
Say, what is the gospel according to you?
from jgat@mozcom.com
# posted by joSlyn @ 11:03 AM
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| Tuesday, August 03, 2004 |
Panginoon, sa tuwing tinitingnan ko ang mga problema ko ngayon, nanlulumo ako. napaparalisa, para akong nasa gitna ng kawalan. Siguro nga't bugbog sarado na ako ng kalungkutan.Basag na, dinudurog pa.
Sa kabilang banda, pag tinitingnan ko ang puso ko, hndi lamang ang naghihirap kong katauhan ang namamalas ko. Nakikita ko rin kayong nasasaktan.Kung pasan-pasan ko man ang bawat hirap at pasakit ng sitwasyon ko, Kayo, ako mismo ang buhat-buhat nyo.
Tulungan nyo po ako.Alam kong kadalasan bingi at manhid ako pag dating sa inyong kalooban.Madalas ko po kayong salungatin sa pag-aakalang tama ang mga nagiging desisyon ko. Alam kong marami sa mga suliraning dinaranas ko ngayon ay bunga ng aking kapangahasan.
# posted by joSlyn @ 10:39 AM
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heto na naman ako kulang sa pansin.kailangan ko na naman ng kausap.ibig sabihin depressed na naman ako.para tong sakit na kumakapit sa sistema ko.siguro dahil na rin sa mga di magagandang bagay na nangyayari ngayon sa akin.ang nakakatawa pa, kapag dumating ang mga panahong ganito, nagkakataong abala din ang mga kaibigan ko.parang nananadya.
haay, sana bukas medyo bumuti na pakiramdam ko...
# posted by joSlyn @ 9:16 AM
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| Monday, August 02, 2004 |
sorry
for failing to remember that You're in control of everything
for pushing my own will, my own way of doing things
for being impatient, for not waiting for Your perfect time
i would argue no more
let this day be the start of the renewing of the spirit
my passion and joy for living
breathe in me Oh Father once more
rekindle the faith within me
# posted by joSlyn @ 3:29 PM
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of desperation and choice
You just have to bounce back..you simply have to.
Living today's world could be a trying ordeal. It is never too easy to remain optimistic when our society seems so bleak and dreary. The economic slump, chaos and political disparity among many other things, are just too much. Let alone handling things that a teenager goes through altogether.That's why it is not surprising to find so many people, including teens, going wayward and ending up lost in desperation. Some even taking extreme measures of cutting their lives short.
Everyone is faced with different sets of challenges. Everyone feels the pain and hardship. We only experienced them at varying degrees and different severities. They are all valid. But they are never reasons enough for us to fail to look for those silver threads that line our dark and heavy clouds. They are never reasons for us to give up the fight; to stop living.
Easy for me to say huh? If you think that I have lived my 24 years in a bed of roses, then you thought wrong. I had more than my fair share of midnight. And I, too, attempted to take that "desperate measure". But I lived to write. And for that alone I am grateful.
I would at least have a glimpse, an insight on what goes on in the head of one who would want to stop his breath and sleep for eternity at will. Again, it's not because I am assumptive, but because I have once entertained similar ideas...
Apparently, not everyone gets to snap out of it. The feelings of helplessness could be as addicting as morphine. It creeps in and eats you up unknowingly, ever so slowly like a cancer. That is if you let it!.There is one strong thought I have kept playing in my head for years now. And it has kept me going. That thought is that " I HAVE A CHOICE." And so do you.
You could choose to be helpless or you could choose to help yourself and eventually help others to help you.
You could choose to be a victim or a survivor.
You could choose to live life and see its beauty despite the many events that obscures the scenic view.
You could choose to respect pain and knowledge and then choose again to move on.
Or you could choose to allow in depression, rot and be consumed by emotional and spiritual maggots. You could choose to accept the things that happen; choose to let go and look ahead to a brighter tomorrow.
Or you could choose to droop your head and let your spirit plummet onto doom.
And if you are in despair, you could choose to snap out of it. you could make that choice right this very moment. If you think you are too weak to make that choice, then that is your choice. But you also have a choice to change your mind. It all begins with one thought. A single thought, a single choice could create a myriad of difference.
More often than not, the negativity that surrounds us, influences us to shun the amazing occurrences in our lives. There is no small or big part in the great big drama called "life." We are all students in this big school we call universe; we are all learning. and should difficulty arise, dropping out is never the solution. All that we need is all that we are. Everything that we longed and searched for have always been a part us, our truest selves.
Perhaps, you'd say that this is rubbish and that you are too young to understand. Then at least, know that you are never too young to appreciate. Rekindle the emotions of marvel and awe you had when you were a child so innocent. The joy that you felt when you first experienced the beach's sands beneath your feet; the sensation of your first scoop of ice cream, your spine tingling first kiss perhaps?
Hold those thoughts for a few moments more. Then let me leave you these questions for you to ponder upon: Aren't they the best that life offers for free if not for a minimal fee? Aren't they enough reasons for you to keep your head up and face each challenge with knowledge that you'd survive? Are you not the fastest and ablest among those millions of other sperms which vied to fertilize the ovum? Does taking your life really make you a winner? Or the loser?
Again, your answers are coupled with choices. And your life is too precious to waste. So choose wisely. I made my choice....so what's yours?
by: blair agero, Diaries (from Manila Bulletin)
# posted by joSlyn @ 2:57 PM
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