now showing: my life

the hole in my heart

2005-11-17T19:40:00.000+08:00

It's been a year since i've learned that i have a hole in my heart, well this time not just figuratively, as my doctor put it: it's "PDA". No, not what you think as public display of affection (har..har..) but is a congenital heart disease which means that there's a small opening in my aorta or in scientific terms - "patent ductus asteriosus". If i could just reckon the echocardiogram screening i have undergone only to confirm my heart's ailment... it's but a very unforgettable experience for me. i'm just thankful to the anesthesia which at least lessen the pain i have to bear during those times and to those special people that have been on my side, in the laboratory room, of the Philippine Heart Center.

yeah right, the hole in my heart... something that will always remind me of my nothingness, of my being human.. and the gift of life that i should always be thankful of..

a song from a weary heart

2005-07-16T12:59:00.000+08:00

i feel the pain in my heart
and its breaking me within

i feel sorrow in my heart
it crushes but the whole of me

see me now, see me now Lord
see how far I've come
see how loneliness continuously enslave me
i need You now

what lies ahead
what will the future bring me

I'll hold on tight
Oh Lord just please sustain me

hear me now
hear me now, Oh Lord
look what I've become
been wanderer in search of peace
that only You could bring

I need you now

Hear me now

2005-06-18T11:53:00.000+08:00

I've been out for quite sometime, intentionally maintained my silence amidst every change rocking the entirety of 'ME'.. Wish to be so blunt in sharing every experience I've had but to this very moment still struggles to find the courage to do so.It seems that I'm not the same girl i used to be, someone who has been so outspoken, so transparent...

I now beg for understanding.. And if being human would only be an acceptable excuse, a sort of a good justifcation.. please let me use it.For Iam now travelling the scariest part of my journey.. And Life as I go through it just becomes more and more complicated each day..

a letter for alex

2005-06-18T11:37:00.000+08:00

i don't know why i'm writing now. Iam not even expecting that this will still reach you. A year had already passed without me knowing what really happened..

Yes, i guess, I already lost you.. you're forever gone in my life. just wanted to thank you for the memorable moments we had.. for the love and everything.. I have loved you with all my heart, soul and spirit. and God knows that.. i will never forget you..

how i miss blogging

2005-01-20T17:21:00.000+08:00

wala lang.. namiss ko lang magblog, babawi talaga ako soon..

in the meantime, here's an article worth reading..para sa mga hopeless romantic na gaya ko!!

Afraid to LoVe? or Afraid to LoSe?
by shooting_star
http://www.peyups.com

A lot of people have, at least once in their lives, said that they are afraid of loving (myself included). We fear the prospect of love entering our hypothalamuses (not our hearts) and changing the natural courses of the relatively normal, ?kilig-less? life that we used to live. When in love, we risk a lot. We risk changes ? in daily routines, in our relationships with others, in the status quo of things. We especially risk getting hurt, which comes in a lot of forms? like being rejected or betrayed, busted or two-timed. Arguments, cool-offs and break-ups are also among the hurtful things that can happen to someone who is in love. That is basically why some of us people say we are afraid to love? because we are afraid to get hurt. We find it difficult to deal with the pain that is usually intertwined with the concept of love.

Come to think of it, is love what we are really afraid of? Change one letter of that word, and you get the word ?lose.? A guy loses when the girl he?s courting happens to fall for someone else. A girl loses when her husband cheats on her and chooses the mistress instead. A lover loses when the loved one decides that he or she wouldn?t have anything to do with the other person anymore. These scenarios can happen in all kinds of variations. The sad thing is, they all bring about hurt. Sometimes this kind of hurt becomes too much for a person to bear. It can cause sickness, it can cause depression, it can cause all kinds of reactions. The worst case of which would be suicidal attempts. Now that probably occurs when the person in love feels that he or she has lost everything ? pride, hope, happiness? and even the will to live -- because of the pain that love brought about.

I guess what I?m really trying to say here is that it is NOT love that some of us are afraid of. I mean, what?s there to fear about love, right? Love is such a wonderful feeling. It inspires, it makes our lives so much brighter, it gives us an opportunity to make someone feel special. It is not really something to be afraid of. What we are afraid of, though, is to lose, and the pain that threatens to come along with love, as well. To lose the inspiration that love can bring. To lose one?s self so much in the pleasure of loving and being loved for fear that it might not last long. To lose the feeling of being wanted. Sometimes, these things come unexpectedly when we fall in love, and we mistake the fear of losing for the fear of loving. That is why we hold back. But then, if we don?t risk letting ourselves fall in love, we might regret it. As the saying goes, ?It is better to have loved and lost than not to have loved at all.? Mushy and idealistic, isn?t it? But it?s most probably true.

keeping my silence

2004-11-21T20:02:00.000+08:00

i have nothing to say... just allow the song to speak for me though..

WARRIOR IS A CHILD

Lately I've been winning battles left and right
But even winners can get wounded in the fight
People say that I'm amazing
Strong beyond my years
But they don't see inside of me
I'm hiding all the tears

(Chorus)

They don't know that I go running home when I fall down
They don't know who picks me up when no one is around
I drop my sword and cry for just a while
'Cause deep inside this armour
The warrior is a child

Unafraid because his armour is the best
But even soldiers need a quiet place to rest
People say that I'm amazing
Never face retreat
But they don't see the enemies
That lay me at His feet

Chorus

I drop my sword and look up for His smile
Because deep inside this armour
Deep inside this armour
Deep inside this armour
The Warrior is a Child

big girl na ko, i should know what to do

2004-11-06T14:12:00.000+08:00

it has been a month since I last posted here. many things had happened and i guess everything is pushing me beyond my limits.. oh, adult matters..tumatanda na nga talaga ako..

am faced with new set of challenges, hindi lang dahil bago ang work ko but because of a difficult decision that i have to make. isa siyang dilemma actually. yun bang alam mo kung anong dapat mong gawin, its just that you don't have the strength to do it dahil feeling mo masyadong malaki ang pakakawalan mo. sorry i can't really go on the details, for sure marami ang magrereact or even condemn me.

But of course the Lord knows everything. kaya nga mas nahihiya ako.

i sound so serious. ang tagal ko na ngang di nag-blog tapos ganito pa ko. but i really hope to finally find the courage to do the right thing, kahit it would mean na masasaktan ako.

God help me...

and for those who could read this, please pray for me...

from an overflowing heart

2004-10-02T13:08:00.000+08:00

I was left with no word to describe Your grace

To capture the greatness of Your love

Even songs of praise are not enough

To exalt You above the heavens

So let my heart do the singing

As my spirit enjoys in dancing

All in praises to You, Oh Lord

Let the whole of me glorify You

i have long been waiting for this day to boast upon the goodness of the Lord in my life. actually, some of my friends already know this good newsbut its just that my happiness could only be completed if I could share it with you and write it here in my blog...

God really never failed me when I entrusted Him my job application as a researcher at the Office of the Ombudsman. It is Him who equipped me and guided me in every stage of the hiring process thus provided for a smooth transition from my former office. At present, I've been undergoing a month-long training as part of the preparation for the actual work.

Iam but excited for my new job and as well as grateful for God's continuing favor in my life.. Though amidst my nothingness and unworthiness, God never cease to love me and to give the best for me...

very much thankful

2004-09-22T14:58:00.000+08:00

its just nice to feel God's comfort in the most inconvenient times of life. I am really grateful for the Lord has been using different people to bless me and even those I barely know for encouragement..

Hold me Lord, hold me
And I'll never go astray
Let Your glory now fill me
To melt my sins away

I do stand in awe
In great awe of You
My spirit is singing of praise

Let me lift my hands
Together with my heart
And worship You all the way

once again i've found myself crying

2004-09-20T09:09:00.000+08:00

Oh, I miss him. I really do. And I've just allowed myself to be consumed by my great longing for him last night. So I cried. I cried till I've emptied myself of that loneliness. It has been five months though. And I'm still here waiting...

Yes, I was again feeling the pain. What a very emotional evening it has been. I was in my room resting when thoughts of him came as if a raging storm. It engulfed me. The whole of me.

I decided to text him though it seemed impossible for that message to reach him. But it's okay. I just wanted to unburden myself. To release my emotions before it could take complete hold of my being...

God, I know you'll help me to get over this..

here in the office

2004-09-17T13:03:00.000+08:00

Now what?! I can't concentrate with my work. Good thing, I've finished all the required reports last Wednesday. Does this mean that I have the right to be lazy today?? Hmmm.. so much to justify my katamaran.

Can't seem to find the right motivations .. or maybe because of the weather.. o kaya dahil Biyernes ngayon.. or could just be resignation jitters..

Yes, I'll be resigning soon. (I'll tell you the details later. Consider it as a personal testimony on how God provided me with a new job!)

but now, let me just say that I'm beginning to feel like a stranger here already....

normal ba yun???

"QUIT NOT"

2004-09-17T11:09:00.000+08:00

yes Lord, I do hear
the voice of You telling me that I must not quit
to stand firm in Your words
Oh God give me the strength that I will be needing

I count on You
I trust in You, Lord
I count on You
And Your mighty power

So now I move on
And I shall conquer
For I am more than victorious Lord
For You are with me
Now and forever

an inventory of spiritual gifts

2004-09-16T11:09:00.000+08:00

As each has received a gift, employ it for one another (or serve it up to one another) as good stewards of God's varied grace: whoever speaks, as one who utters oracles of God; whoever renders service, as one who renders it by the strength which God supplies; in order that in everything God may be glorified through Jesus Christ... (1 Peter 4:10-11)

***********

results of my spiritual gifts inventory:

Dominant gifts are Showing Mercy, Pastor/Shepherd

The Greek word "ellco" means to feel sympathy with or for others. As a mercy-shower you have the Spirit-given capacity and desire to serve God by identifying with and comforting those who are in distress. You understand and comfort your fellow Christian. You enter into the grief or happiness of others and have the ability to show empathy which is to feel WITH others, not just for others.

As a mercy-shower you are willing to deal with and minister to people who have needs that most people feel very uncomfortable working with. You seem to say the right thing at the right time. Your personality is likely one of soft-spoken love. It hurts you to scold someone; you are very non-condemning. People love you because of all the love you give them. You find it easy to express yourself and are outgoing with a low-key, inoffensive personality. You are easy to talk to, responsive to people, a good listener, peaceable, and agreeable. You tend to make decisions based on feelings more than fact and like to think about things for a while before making a decision.

In your burden to comfort others, your heart goes out to the poor, the aged, the ill, the underprivileged, and so on. You tend to attract people who are hurting or rejoicing because you identify with them. Be careful not to let others use you. Try not to resent others who are not as understanding as you. Refrain from becoming a gossiper when you are around other mercy-showers. Do not let your circumstances control you. Because of your supernatural ability to show mercy, others accuse you of taking up for people, being a softy and a compromiser. They may think you are too emotional.

Mercy-showers make excellent counselors. However, left untrained, you may destroy yourself by your tendency to take people's problems home with you. Your empathy can become detrimental without personal training on how to deal with it.

Beware of Satan's attack on your gift. He can cause pride because of your ability to relate to others. He may influence you to disregard rules and authority. You may experience a lack of discipline because of strong feeling for those who hurt due to disobedience and sin. Don't fall into Satan's trap of complaining and griping.

Second dominant gift is PASTORING/SHEPHERDING

The Greek word "poimen" means pastor. In Paul's spiritual gifts listing in Ephesians 4:11, this term is translated "pastor." Although the word "poimen" is translated pastor only one time in Scripture it is used sixteen additional times. The remaining sixteen are all translated "shepherd." Therefore, we are actually discussing the GIFT of shepherding, not the POSITION of pastor. Though a good pastor must have the gift of shepherding, everyone who has the gift of shepherding is not called to be pastor. The gift can be used in many positions in a church.

As a gifted shepherd, you have the Spirit-given capacity and desire to serve God by overseeing, training, and caring for the needs of a group of Christians. You are usually very patient, people-centered, and willing to spend time in prayer for others. You tend to be a "Jack of All and Master of ONE," meaning you are usually dominant in one of the speaking gifts (evangelist, prophet, teacher, exhorter) as well. You are often authoritative, more a leader than a follower, and expressive, composed, and sensitive. Your pleasing personality draws people to you.

You have a burden to see others learn and grow and are protective of those under your care. You want to present the whole Word of God and do not like to present the same materials more than once. You are willing to study what is necessary to feed your group and are more relationship oriented than task oriented. You are a peace-maker and diplomat - very tolerant of people's weaknesses. You tend to remember people's names and faces. You are more concerned with doing for others than others doing for you. You are faithful and devoted and may become a workaholic. You can become an all-purpose person in order to meet needs.

People with the gift of shepherding make the best Sunday school teachers and group leaders because their desire is to go beyond just teaching or leading, to shepherd and minister to the daily needs of their students. The position of Sunday school teacher or group leader is an extension of the pastoral ministry in the church. These groups should be shepherded on a small scale the same as the pastor shepherds the whole congregation on a large scale.

Be careful to involve other people; don't try to do it all yourself. Work on making people accountable. Do not be overly protective of your "flock." Because of these potentially weak areas, other people may think it is your job to do all the work; they rely too heavily on you. You may be expected to be available at all times, know all the answers, and be at every function. Learn when to say no.

Beware of Satan's attack on your gift. He will cause discouragement when the load gets heavy, and pride because your "sheep" look up to you. You may develop family problems because of too little time and attention. You may become selfish when "sheep" feed in other pastures.

visit this site for your own spiritual gifts analysis:

http://www.churchgrowth.org/cgi-cg/gifts.cgi

2004-09-14T13:53:00.000+08:00

just can't get enough of You Lord
can't get enough of You
Your mercy is new every morning
That sustains me all day through

Haven't really seen the whole of you
Only a part of it I know
But everyday is a new day
In discovering your greatness

the personality test had spoken..

2004-09-14T13:34:00.000+08:00

What Famous Leader Are You?
by similarminds.com

********

what a busy tuesday!! still have to finish my monthly reports. gladly, our supervisor went to a conference. Di nya ko masisita!!!

anyway, can't stay for long. lunchbreak kaya pwede pang mag-blog. try nyo rin ang quiz na to, wala lang, just for fun..

2004-09-09T09:25:00.000+08:00

films, books...

i was never a film buff, never a booklover... but now I can't imagine my life without these two. The cinema house and contemporary novels are but newfound sanctuaries to me. What I love are books and movies that stimulate me to contemplate on life and to assess my being human... those who can leave me with a feeling of hunger and yearning, a craving for deeper awareness and a never contented spirit that wishes to unfold the bits and pieces of "me".

not just talks but conversations...

i really love to engage in conversations that are edifying. and my favorite topics are about life and faith.. and obviously, discussing about these two matters always end up in long hours of sharing. but the great thing is, such talks are always wrapped up by a feeling of comfort and rejuvenation.

songs that are only for God...

i consider it God's gift to be able to come up with songs of praises and worship for Him. This is despite the fact that I play not a single musical instrument and really know nothing about music.. Everything has always been provided by the Lord, the lyrics and the melody. And I know in His perfect time, God will give me the right person to help me put the chords into those songs...

Wonderful God
You have made me change my ways and gave me light
You have given me salvation, an eternal life
And now I'm humbling down myself before Your throne
Lifting your name above the heavens

Chorus:
Cause as I gaze upon your holiness, Oh Jesus
I begin to see the wonders of Your works
As I gaze upon Your holiness, oh Lord
Then my heart overflows with adoration

Cause as I gaze upon Your holiness
Oh Jesus, Lord my savior
I begin to praise You lord
Worship and honor You, Jesus

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. - Psalm 139:14

To God be all the glory!!!!!

the perfect love

2004-09-07T17:12:00.000+08:00

Everyone longs himself to give to someone
To have a deep relationship with another
To be loved thoroughly and exclusively
But God says 'NO!'
Not until you are contented and satisfied with living,
Loved by me alone and giving yourself totally to me,
To have an intense and deep relationship with me is
The first step to your plan.
I love you my child and until you discover
That only me is your satisfaction to be found
You will not be capable of the perfect
Relationship that I have planned for you
Until you are not united with someone
Exclusively of any desires and longings
I want you to stop planning,
Stop wishing and allow me to bring it to you.
Just keep on listening
Expecting the greatest things
Keep learning and doing the things
That I have told you, you must wait!
Don't be anxious and don't worry
Don't look at the things you think you want
Just keep on looking up to me
Or you'll miss what I have for you
I am working at this minute to have both of
You ready, and then when you are ready and
Until the one that I have for you is ready,
I'll surprise you with the love more wonderful
Than any of you ever dream, you will experience
And this is the PERFECT LOVE
And Dear one, I want you to have the most wonderful love
I want you to see a picture of your relationship with me
And enjoy completely the everlasting union of
Beauty, Perfection, and Love that I offer to you.
I love you my child
I am GOD Almighty
Believe me and be satisfied.

****

Oh, this is something... enlightening indeed! I really can't have it my way. That's why I'm surrendering it all to God. I know that my only options are either to struggle or to wait patiently. And I'm absolutely choosing the second one...

2004-09-06T17:51:00.000+08:00

Ilang araw rin akong naghintay para makapagsulat uli dito sa blog ko, pero hanggang ngayon, wala pa rin akong maisip. Pauwi na lang ako, wala pa rin akong mabuo..

Hmmm. ano ba?

Nakakatuwa... parang ang dami-dami kong gustong sabihin, pero di ko lang talaga maintindihan kung bakit di ako makapagsimula.

Ganun lang talaga siguro.

Tama, abnormal nga ako ngayon.

Pero ito na siguro ang pinakamasarap na abnormalidad na naranasan ko.
(Naku, baka isipin ng makakabasa nito, nababaliw na ako...)

Hindi po, siguro nagkataon lang na nababalot ako ng kakaibang pakiramdam ngayon.

Parang nakalutang... mapayapang nakalutang..

Masaya.. nakararanas ng ibang kasiyahang tagos hanggang langit.. Ramdam mismo ng kaibuturan ng aking pagkatao.

Malaya.. kalayaan mula sa tanikala ng kalungkutan at ng realidad ng buhay..

Ano bang meron?

Di ko alam kung papaano ko ipapaliwanag..

Para akong muling ipinanganganak.. na may bagong pagtingin sa buhay, sa sarili at sa mundo..

Na may baong kagalakan na hindi nagmula sa labas kundi nanggaling sa pinakapusod ng aking pagkakalikha.

At ito yung punto na nagsusumigaw ang puso ko para magpasalamat sa Dakilang Lumikha.. Salamat sa buhay..Salamat sa pagkakataon. Salamat sa kaligtasan..Salamat sa buhay na walang hanggan...

At higit na salamat dahil natagpuan kong muli ang aking sarili sa Inyong kanlungan..

Tama, yun nga ang pakiramdam...

2004-09-06T17:37:00.000+08:00

In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express.

Romans 8:26NIV

2004-09-03T08:34:00.000+08:00

A.k.O

Nananabik akong makilala ang katauhang nasa loob ng katawang ito
Nais ko syang maintindihan
Maunawaan ang bawat dahilan ng kanyang reklamo at panghihinawa
Nais kong matunton ang lalim ng kanyang pagkakalikha
Maintindihan ang kanyang bawat pagtangis, pagtawa
Mahinuha kung bakit kadalasan kinakailangan nyang ikubli ang kanyang tunay na nararamdaman
Nais ko syang damayan
At higit sa lahat...
Maging kaibigan sa kanya

2004-09-02T14:28:00.000+08:00

don't have anything to say. just wanna visit my blog, though. I'm excited to finally share this page to my friends as I'm about to email them my blog address... hmmm? am just curious on their initial reactions! Also wanna read their comments to my entries.. But more importantly, I want them to at least have an idea of what I have become...

cool isn't it?

2004-09-01T14:53:00.000+08:00

listen, my heart is speaking

I need no word to express myself

To explain what I'm going through

I know you can see my heart, Oh Lord

And feel my very pain

Nothing is ever hidden from You

You know the depths of my being

You know the condition of my spirit

You can see the whole of me

And so I refuse to give up

I try not to give in

Though around me seems like a dead end

I know there'll be a way

***

All I can give You Lord is my burdened heart
All I can offer is my tired spirit
What I can give is just my broken soul
But still You've accepted them all

You're not asking me to be worthy
Coz its Your mercy that will make me clean
You don't care if I'm not deserving
Coz Your love is enough to embrace me wholly
Oh God, You just love me..

***

i was left with no word to aptly describe Your greatness God.

thank you for loving me inspite of my weaknesses.
thank you for being a father, a friend and a lover to my soul
i love you...

2004-08-31T09:22:00.000+08:00

ok then, a quiz could be a good start..

What Kind of SOUL do you posses?

You have a Calm Soul! Being calm and cool is what
you do best. You collected thoughts and always
positive attitude make you very bright and
logical. When theres a problem, you know how to
approach it, and solve it. Your friends rely on
you on their problems, and your shoulder for
their crying. You are peaceful, and enjoy
nature and freedom. You rarely get angry and
hardly scream, which makes you good with kids.
You seem to be in tune with the world and if
anything goes wrong, you always bounce back.

brought to you by Quizilla

so now

2004-08-31T08:40:00.000+08:00

I'm finally breaking the silence here in my blog.

Oh, I just miss blogging for about two weeks now with nothing to post except for quotations (thanks to Rainer Maria Rilke and to our daily bread devotional), leaving my own thoughts undisturbed.. unsaid..

maybe i just needed some time to contemplate.. to think things over.. to confront the inner monster within my soul..

2004-08-27T14:05:00.000+08:00

When we, having nothing left but God,
Remember that God alone is enough...

on finding answers

2004-08-18T13:27:00.000+08:00

excerpts from Rainer Maria Rilke's Letters to a Young Poet:

... You are so young, so before all beginning, and I want to beg you, as much as I can, dear sir, to be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves like locked rooms and like books that are written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer. Perhaps you do carry within yourself the possibility of shaping and forming as a particularly happy and pure way of living: train yourself to it - but take whatever comes with great trust, and if only it comes out of your own will, out of some need of your inmost being, take it upon yourself and hate nothing.

life, oh life

2004-08-18T10:19:00.000+08:00

i'll have a long weekend. my boss permitted me to go on leave starting tomorrow til Monday. don't know what to do with these free days though, maybe, just read, read, read... (i think i could finish Paulo Coelho's novel, Veronika Decides to Die) or perhaps watch VCDs.

oh how pathetic my life has become..
and this is because of this pain
it crushes me
like a virus
upsetting my entire system

i wish to come up with better ways of coping
better means to survive
to endure all the sufferings
to stand all the aches

im no superwoman
but at this point, how I wish I am

i wish I was prepared for that

2004-08-17T14:36:00.000+08:00

A normal Monday night, spent in watching TV together with my mom and sisters. My 5-year old niece bragging about her good performance in school then suddenly came her out-of-the-blue question: Kelan kayo ikakasal ni tito Alex?

My mother was fast to respond but rather with a shocking answer: Hindi na, kasi patay na siya.

Then my sister (in an effort to console me) added: Marami pang ibang darating sa buhay mo.

I was left with nothing to say. It seems that they've already reached a conclusion. And what am I supposed to feel? I understand them. The statement is but valid and more so, logical. My boyfriend has cancer. Last April, his cousin texted me and told me that he's in ICU. And that was my last info on his condition. Until now, no one from his family bothered to update me.

And what's the used of me telling this. Maybe because of one thing. I was hard hit by that statement. Yes, I've avoided that idea so many times. I really never thought of that. Until last night.

Here I am with all the hopes, without even knowing that people around me are already resigned to the idea of my boyfriend's death. And I just feel so alone. Battling this fight all by myself.

lilies of the field

2004-08-16T13:38:00.000+08:00

i'm done reading William Barrett's Lilies of the Field last night.
It was a good reading. Can't help but identify myself with the
character, Homer Smith. Truly an eye opener.

"Nobody in all of his life, before this, had told him to build a church.
Nobody had ever said to him: Here is the ground and here I want a
church and it is your job to build it. It was like a call. It elevated him.
He was all alone, one man, with a hole in the ground and a church to
be built, and no one to tell him how."

"He did'nt know where or how, buth that was a problem of the future
and the future was never quite real to him. A man couldnt calculate
on time that hadn't arrived, happenings that hadn't happened."

"He lived in what he had, and with what he had, finding life good."

sadder than sad

2004-08-13T15:46:00.000+08:00

We went to greenbelt last night to unwind.. Akala ko makakatulong, pero parang mas lalo lang akong nalungkot.

haay, kelan ba to matatapos?

2004-08-13T10:13:00.000+08:00

(from top left: gerald, cielo, janetsky, precious,berchman,
ernest, me, betchay,edsel,bogs,hannah,russel,sly)

my deceived mistahs

*** nagkakila-kila sa opisina.. kakaibang batch ng mga kabataang astig!!! We rocked the office! Winindang natin sila!

Miss you guys! Sa ngayon, anim na lang kaming survivors dito..huhuhu..sana may reunion! Love you all!!!

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galing-galing naman.. I can now post pictures here in my blog.. Kinda fast-learner.. ahihihihi!!! :)

hope this could reach you

2004-08-12T14:10:00.000+08:00

it has been four months of waiting
four long months of keeping the faith
on what we have
on what I feel
on what I know is real

i feel the pain consuming the whole of me
it wanted me to surrender this fight
and to choose the path that is less scary

but what could be more detrimental than uncertainty
it is giving up
it is losing hope
especially when you know that its all worth the pain

i hope you can see me now
and be proud on how your love changed me
the timid girl was gone
for your love gave me courage
it equipped me with the strength to get by

in times of doubt, I've sought refuge in your memories
thoughts of you calm my troubled spirit

oh babe

my love for you will never depart my soul
my heart will never be tired of loving you

cerTain hiGh

2004-08-11T23:30:00.000+08:00

Never have I felt such a lightness of being. I'm neither happy nor sad. And the best thing is, I'm at peace. It feels like I'm somewhere else. In a place where no happy or sad thoughts can enter.

My spirit is rising high, taking refuge in an unknown space and time. Where the only thing that matters is my continuous existence.

I feel free yet amazed. Dazzled by the strangeness of this experience. I know it may end soon. But this rare event has thought me to dig deeper into the meaning of life.

Oh I love this seeming numbness covering my entirety. Now I can see right through my core self and I do like what I see. Not a broken and wary girl, only a simple being grateful for her opportunity to live.

Life does not accomodate you, it shatters you...

2004-08-10T12:57:00.000+08:00

Every seed destroys its container or else there would be no fruition.

- Florida Scott-Maxwell

is this what they call quarter-life crisis?

2004-08-10T10:46:00.000+08:00

reference: email from a friend re Quarter Life Crisis

don't know if I'm just bored and/or for just the fun of it is digesting this article hoping that it could shed light on my present situation. but then again, let's see what this could give me:

the symptoms (this is quarter-life crisis according to the article)

It is when you stop going along with the crowd and start realizing that there are a lot of things about yourself that you didn't know and may not like. You start feeling insecure and wonder where you will be in a year or two, but then get hot and scared because you barely know where you are now. You start realizing that people are selfish and that, maybe, those friends that you thought you were so close to aren't exactly the greatest people you have ever met and the people you have lost touch with are some of the most important ones.

You look at your job. It is not even close to what you thought you would be doing or maybe you are looking for one and realizing that you are going to have to start at the bottom and are scared. You miss the comforts of college, of groups, of socializing with the same people on a constant basis. But then you realize that maybe they weren't so great after all. You are beginning to understand yourself and what you want and do not want. Your opinions have gotten stronger. You see what others are doing and find yourself judging a bit more than usual because suddenly you realize that you have certain boundaries in your life and add things to your list of what is acceptable and what is not. You are insecure and then secure. You laugh and cry with the greatest force of your life. You feel alone and scared and confused.

Suddenly change is the enemy and you cry and cling on to the past with dear life but soon realize that the past is drifting further and further away and there is nothing to do but stay where you are or move forward. The stupid ones plateau, the smart ones rise.

You get your heartbroken and wonder how someone you loved could do such damage to you or you lay in bed and wonder why you can't meet anyone decent enough to get to know better. You love someone but maybe love someone else too and cannot figure out why you are doing this because you are not a bad person.

You go through the same emotions and questions over and over and talk with your friends about the same topics because you cannot seem to make a decision. You wonder what in the hell is wrong with you.

You worry about loans and money and the future and making a life for yourself and while winning the race would be great, right now you'd just like to be a contender!

my realizations

i may be feeling confused now and it seems that everything about life scares me. The uncertainty of things bothers me that much that I have to cry over and over again just to unload myself of that creeping invasion of jealousy, anxiety and frustration. They say this is what reality is, with the power to overwhelm an individual, to make him feel less of himself and be sorry for his every weakness. But how can i really expect life on earth to be easy and sensitive to my needs/feelings well in fact from the start i know that im living in an already fallen world!!!

i should not be expecting much of this lifetime, cause there's still a "forever" to be excited of.. what remains true is that I'm not of this world and only a pilgrim waiting for my turn to get to heaven and claim the room which God has prepared for me. And this truth should give me a great relief knowing that everything shall come to pass. Every painful event shall see its end.

But God is not finished with me yet. That's why Im still here on earth battling every trial that comes my way. These hardships serve as God's tools to mold me in the person that He wants me to be. The person suited to the greatness of heaven..

all above claims are valid...yes especially on the realm of the mind. But deep inside my heart, where my faith resides and where God's throne is located.. something is being developed... the kind of endurance that was a product of the seed of faith that God has planted in my life.

Unto where God leads me, there should I be.. the exact situation to see how great my God is!!!

Others may call it quarter-life crisis, but i'll say that these are God's mysterious ways of bringing out the best in me..one of His creations that was wonderfully and fearfully made..

2004-08-09T09:03:00.000+08:00

FOOLISH man seeks happiness in the distance,
the WISE grows it under his feet...

2004-08-06T14:57:00.000+08:00

Stand still my heart
For the storm will soon be over
And a rainbow is about to give you hope
The sun will soon shine to give you light

2004-08-06T10:16:00.000+08:00

yes, i feel like being on the edge. and its more than the parting of the red sea that I need. May sound depressing but I know my God, He'll never forsake me nor leave me. I consider this situation as an opportunity to manifest His greatness and glory.

for i'm sure that someday i would be grateful for being afflicted...

When you're at the EDGE

2004-08-06T10:00:00.000+08:00

Being close to the edge is dangerous, and it's an exciting place to be, too. If you're not so sure about that "exciting" part, you need to spend a moment in reading Exodus 14 beginning in verse 9:

The ancient Jews have been delivered by God from their enslavement in Egypt and now they have made camp with the Red Sea in front of them. And the Bible says, "All Pharaoh's horses and chariots, horsemen, and troops pursued the Israelites and overtook them as they camped by the sea." Oh, great! Red Sea in front of them ... the most powerful army on earth behind them, in hot pursuit. We are at the edge, folks!

But remember -- it was God who led them to the edge. It usually is. If you're in the middle of a Red Sea Moment, it is most likely part of the great and loving plans of God for you. You know what happened when God's ancient people were at the edge. The Bible says, "The waters were
divided, and the Israelites went through the sea on dry ground with a wall of water on their right and on their left." Then when Moses stretched out his hand over the water, the Bible says, "the sea went back to its place. The Egyptians were fleeing toward it, and the Lord swept them
into the sea."

So why did God bring His people to this dangerous edge where there clearly seemed to be no solutions, no rescue? For the same reason He has brought you to the edge -- so you could see a more spectacular view of Him than you have ever seen before! Exodus says, "When the Israelites saw the great power of the Lord displayed against the Egyptians, the people feared the Lord and put their trust in Him" (Exodus 14:31).

If God has led you to this edge, then you have every right to expect a miracle - which you would never need or never see if it weren't for this scary, overwhelming moment. In any Red Sea moment you will ultimately see God part it. And once He does, you won't remember the danger much. What you'll remember is that spectacular view of God, and you'd never see it if you didn't go to the edge! It will change your life forever!

by Ron Hutchcraft

NOT WHAT YOU WANT BUT WHAT GOD WILLS

2004-08-05T12:44:00.000+08:00

Do you want WHAT YOU WANT when you want it...
Do you pray and expect a reply,
And when it's not instantly answered
Do you feel that God passed you by?
Well, prayers that are prayed in this manner
Are really not prayers at all,
For you can't go to God in a hurry
And expect Him to answer your call...
For prayers are not meant for obtaining
What we selfishly wish to acquire.
For God in His wisdom refuses
The things that we wrongly desire...
And don't pray for freedom from trouble
Or ask that trials pass you by.
Instead, pray for strength and for courage
To meet life's "dark hours" and not cry
That God was not there when you called Him
And He turned a deaf ear to your prayer
And just when you needed Him most of all
He left you alone in despair...
WAKE UP! You are missing completely
The reason and purpose of prayer,
Which is really to keep us contented
That God holds us safely in His care...
And God only answers our pleadings
When He knows that our wants fill a need
And whenever "OUR WILL" becomes
"HIS WILL"
There is NO PRAYER THAT GOD DOES
NOT HEED!

(taken from jgat@mozcom.com)

2004-08-05T12:07:00.000+08:00

I'm done with my monthly report.. isang report na lang at pwede na uling mag-leave!

Really need some time off. Things in the office are already suffocating. Yeah, i know, kakaleave ko lang two weeks ago. But im really stressed out. Siguro naman enough reason na yun to have a vacation.

I just submitted my leave form. I'll have two days break on 20 and 23 Aug. buti na lang holiday ang 19 Aug, mas humaba pa ang bakasyon ko. I wish na iapprove ng boss ko.

The Gospel According to You

2004-08-04T11:03:00.000+08:00

"You are our epistle, written in our
hearts, known and read to all men."

The Gospels of Matthew, Mark, Luke and John,
Are read by more than a few,
But the one that is most read and commented on
Is the gospel according to you.

You are writing a gospel, a chapter each day
By things that you do and words that you say,
Men read what you write, whether faithless or true.
Say, what is the gospel according to you?

Do men read His truth and His love in your life,
Or has yours been too full of malice and strife?
Does your life speak of evil, or does it ring true?
Say, what is the gospel according to you?

from jgat@mozcom.com

2004-08-03T10:39:00.000+08:00

Panginoon, sa tuwing tinitingnan ko ang mga problema ko ngayon, nanlulumo ako. napaparalisa, para akong nasa gitna ng kawalan. Siguro nga't bugbog sarado na ako ng kalungkutan.Basag na, dinudurog pa.

Sa kabilang banda, pag tinitingnan ko ang puso ko, hndi lamang ang naghihirap kong katauhan ang namamalas ko. Nakikita ko rin kayong nasasaktan.Kung pasan-pasan ko man ang bawat hirap at pasakit ng sitwasyon ko, Kayo, ako mismo ang buhat-buhat nyo.

Tulungan nyo po ako.Alam kong kadalasan bingi at manhid ako pag dating sa inyong kalooban.Madalas ko po kayong salungatin sa pag-aakalang tama ang mga nagiging desisyon ko. Alam kong marami sa mga suliraning dinaranas ko ngayon ay bunga ng aking kapangahasan.

2004-08-03T09:16:00.000+08:00

heto na naman ako kulang sa pansin.kailangan ko na naman ng kausap.ibig sabihin depressed na naman ako.para tong sakit na kumakapit sa sistema ko.siguro dahil na rin sa mga di magagandang bagay na nangyayari ngayon sa akin.ang nakakatawa pa, kapag dumating ang mga panahong ganito, nagkakataong abala din ang mga kaibigan ko.parang nananadya.

haay, sana bukas medyo bumuti na pakiramdam ko...

2004-08-02T15:29:00.000+08:00

sorry

for failing to remember that You're in control of everything
for pushing my own will, my own way of doing things
for being impatient, for not waiting for Your perfect time

i would argue no more

let this day be the start of the renewing of the spirit
my passion and joy for living
breathe in me Oh Father once more
rekindle the faith within me

just a thought

2004-08-02T14:57:00.000+08:00

of desperation and choice

You just have to bounce back..you simply have to.

Living today's world could be a trying ordeal. It is never too easy to remain optimistic when our society seems so bleak and dreary. The economic slump, chaos and political disparity among many other things, are just too much. Let alone handling things that a teenager goes through altogether.That's why it is not surprising to find so many people, including teens, going wayward and ending up lost in desperation. Some even taking extreme measures of cutting their lives short.

Everyone is faced with different sets of challenges. Everyone feels the pain and hardship. We only experienced them at varying degrees and different severities. They are all valid. But they are never reasons enough for us to fail to look for those silver threads that line our dark and heavy clouds. They are never reasons for us to give up the fight; to stop living.

Easy for me to say huh? If you think that I have lived my 24 years in a bed of roses, then you thought wrong. I had more than my fair share of midnight. And I, too, attempted to take that "desperate measure". But I lived to write. And for that alone I am grateful.

I would at least have a glimpse, an insight on what goes on in the head of one who would want to stop his breath and sleep for eternity at will. Again, it's not because I am assumptive, but because I have once entertained similar ideas...

Apparently, not everyone gets to snap out of it. The feelings of helplessness could be as addicting as morphine. It creeps in and eats you up unknowingly, ever so slowly like a cancer. That is if you let it!.There is one strong thought I have kept playing in my head for years now. And it has kept me going. That thought is that "I HAVE A CHOICE." And so do you.

You could choose to be helpless or you could choose to help yourself and eventually help others to help you.
You could choose to be a victim or a survivor.
You could choose to live life and see its beauty despite the many events that obscures the scenic view.
You could choose to respect pain and knowledge and then choose again to move on.
Or you could choose to allow in depression, rot and be consumed by emotional and spiritual maggots. You could choose to accept the things that happen; choose to let go and look ahead to a brighter tomorrow.
Or you could choose to droop your head and let your spirit plummet onto doom.

And if you are in despair, you could choose to snap out of it. you could make that choice right this very moment. If you think you are too weak to make that choice, then that is your choice. But you also have a choice to change your mind. It all begins with one thought. A single thought, a single choice could create a myriad of difference.

More often than not, the negativity that surrounds us, influences us to shun the amazing occurrences in our lives. There is no small or big part in the great big drama called "life." We are all students in this big school we call universe; we are all learning. and should difficulty arise, dropping out is never the solution.All that we need is all that we are. Everything that we longed and searched for have always been a part us, our truest selves.

Perhaps, you'd say that this is rubbish and that you are too young to understand. Then at least, know that you are never too young to appreciate. Rekindle the emotions of marvel and awe you had when you were a child so innocent. The joy that you felt when you first experienced the beach's sands beneath your feet; the sensation of your first scoop of ice cream, your spine tingling first kiss perhaps?

Hold those thoughts for a few moments more. Then let me leave you these questions for you to ponder upon: Aren't they the best that life offers for free if not for a minimal fee? Aren't they enough reasons for you to keep your head up and face each challenge with knowledge that you'd survive? Are you not the fastest and ablest among those millions of other sperms which vied to fertilize the ovum? Does taking your life really make you a winner? Or the loser?

Again, your answers are coupled with choices. And your life is too precious to waste. So choose wisely. I made my choice....so what's yours?

by: blair agero, Diaries (from Manila Bulletin)

2004-07-30T17:11:00.000+08:00

"The Lord will fulfill his purpose for me,
Your love, O Lord, endures forever...
do not abandon the works of your hands."

   Psalm 138:8

2004-07-30T10:49:00.000+08:00

Oliver to Jenny:

How can you see me and still love me..?

(From the film/novel Love Story by Erich Segal)

***

This is the same question I want to ask God. How can he see my flaws, my weaknesses and my shortcomings and still love me..still understand me..still accept me...

O how great is His love for mankind. I may not capture the depths of that love or even fathom the profundity of his grace..But one thing i know, God loves me and nothing that i can do to change that fact.

Thank you Lord!!!

I quote

2004-07-30T08:49:00.000+08:00

"The sea is dangerous and its storms terrible, but these obstacles have never been sufficient reason to remain ashore ... Unlike the mediocre, intrepid spirits seek victory over those things that seem impossible ... It is with an iron will that they embark on the most daring of all endeavors ... to meet the shadowy future without fear and conquer the unknown."

-- Ferdinand Magellan

2004-07-29T16:20:00.000+08:00

Trust what's in your heart.. Love beyond the circumstance.

for love is greater than any tragedy
than any risk
and any limitation

these words came into mind upon watching ella the enchanted last night. whew..!

"what's in your heart is greater than any spell "- ella's mother on her death bed

2004-07-29T13:36:00.000+08:00

he's my angel. the one sent from above to help me get through those days of loneliness and grief...

I met him days before my father died. And i've always knew that he's an angel disguising as a friend and a lover to me. He taught me how to see life differently, always with a grateful heart despite the problems and trials that come my way. He taught me how to love selflessly and more importantly how to fight for my heart.

but the angel is being asked to report back to heaven..

again, the reality of death is haunting me. but no..please don't take him away from me. i know it would take a miracle to heal him from his sickness but please God for the sake of our love...

please let the angel stay by my side..

I'm afraid of losing my angel, my life..

2004-07-29T09:47:00.000+08:00

THE DISTANCE
By: Evan & Jaron

The sky has lost its color
The sun has turned to grey
At least that's how it feels to me
Whenever you're away
I crawl up in the corner
As I watch the minutes pass
Each one brings me closer to
The time when you'll be back
You're coming back

I can't take the distance
I can't take the miles
I can't take the time
Until the next time I see you smile
I can't take the distance
And I'm not ashamed
That I can't take a breath whitout saying your name

But I can't take the distance
I can brave a hurricane
And still be standing tall
when all the dust has settled down
But I can't take the distance

I still believe in feelings
But sometimes I feel too much
I make believe you're close to me
But it ain't close enough
Not nearly close enough

I can't take the distance
I can't the miles
I can't take the time until the next time I see you smile
I can't take the distance
And I'm not ashamed
That I can't take a breath without saying your name

I can brave a hurricane
And still be standing tall
when all the dust has settled down

I can't take the distance
I can't take the miles
I can't take the time until the next time
I see you smile

I can't take the distance
And I'm not ashamed
That I can't take a breath without saying your name
And I can't take the distance
The distance

2004-07-23T10:50:00.000+08:00

no eye has seen
no ear has heard
no mind has conceived
what God has prepared for those who love him

1 Cor 2:9

2004-07-23T10:45:00.000+08:00

natetense ako para sa exam mamaya. nonetheless this is a very special day for me. Syempre monthsary namin ngayon ng babe ko..love you so much babe!

I know you don't want me to be sad. lalo na sa espesyal na araw na ito...

2004-07-23T10:31:00.000+08:00

bakasyon ako ng mga ilang araw. I wish to enjoy these times though wala pa talaga akong concrete plans how to spend my free days....Maybe planning will come later. Pagkatapos ng exam sa ombudsman..O God please help me.!!

lean into the wind

2004-07-23T09:04:00.000+08:00

something that should be reflected upon:

By Susan Titus Osborn, Rest Stops for Single Moms

LEAN INTO THE WIND

As I scanned the horizon, my eyes focused on a sailboat gliding out of the bay. The boat cruised smoothly for a while, but then the wind changed direction. The mainsail flapped uselessly in the breeze, and the boat slowed to a near halt. The boat's pilot turned the rudder and guided his craft back into the world. The sails coat the breeze and filled, and soon the vessel glided swiftly out of the harbor.

While I watched the sailor fight the wind, I thought of a parallel in my own life. I had been working through a situation that caused inner turmoil and suffering. I felt like the mainsail, flapping in the wind with no sense of direction. When my husband of twenty-two years was suddenly no longer a part of my life, feelings inadequacy and dozens of unanswerable questions filled my mind.

Then there was the adjustment of trying to balance a career, make ends meet, and still find the time to be a good mother to my two sons. It made for long workdays that left me tired and resentful. I longed for those happier, calmer days when I wasn't fighting the wind or battling my inner pain. Why had my world suddenly changed? Anger sapped my strength. In frustration, I lashed out at God. "Lord, take this hurt away. Why have these things happened to me?"

Nevertheless, the situation remained unchanged; my questions went unanswered. God seemed silent and unreachable. I kept racing around, fragmented and torn, never pausing to listen to the still, small voice of God within me.

However, after a period of time, a remarkable thing happened. Instead of mentally avoiding the problems in my life and blaming God, I decided to take a different approach. Perhaps what I had assumed to be God's lack of concern was actually my lack of ability to listen to God. I learned to lean into the pain instead of avoiding or fighting it.

Like that sailboat slanting back into the wind, I deliberately decided to find joy in the midst of my circumstances. Instead of asking God to remove my problems, I prayed that He would stand by me throughout the ordeal. Then I took the time to listen for His reply. I found time to spend in His Word each day in spite of my schedule.

Although I was still a single parent, joggling finances, career, and teenagers, I no longer felt overwhelmed. Depending on His strength to guide me brought the peace that I'd been seeking.

2004-07-22T17:42:00.000+08:00

i love you babe!!!

2004-07-22T17:29:00.000+08:00

in the mood to reminisce...

alexis' email dated 22 Jan 04:

Babe,

Your name on my lips gives me reason to breathe
When I can't close my eyes, you're my reason to dream.

When I can't move my body, you give me the will
When I'm numb inside, it's your love I feel.

You keep me going when I want to give in
You are my beginning when it feels like the end.

You love me today when I can't face tomorrow
You give me joy when I'm filled with sorrow.

I love you beyond anything I've ever known
in the shelter of your love my spirit has grown.

When I am frightened and feeling unsure
Your strength and your love make me feel secure.

I can never repay you for this gift that you give
but I want you to know you're my reason to live.

I LOVE YOU SO MUCH !!!

Alex

2004-07-22T14:54:00.000+08:00

I wish I could take away the pain in waiting
I wish I could promise to be strong
To never falter
To never give in to the invite of loneliness

This pain seems to be never ending
But I know my love for you would stand firm amidst these trials
The distance could never stop me loving you
Time could never erase you in my soul
This uncertainty would never triumph in snatching you away from my future

I love you
I need you
I want you by my side

I know God has his own time for us
And I will be waiting for that precious moment
Our MOMENT

I love you babe!

2004-07-22T14:50:00.000+08:00

Babe, I MISS YOU so much!!

2004-07-21T13:48:00.000+08:00

Nahihiya ako sa Diyos. Parang mas sanay na ata akong magreklamo kaysa sa tumanggap ng pagpapala. Nitong mga huling buwan wala akong ibang naiisip kundi ang sana matapos na lahat ng paghihirap na nararamdaman ko. Halos igiit kong naging mabuti naman akong tao para masaktan ng ganito. Pero ngayong ramdam ko na ang pagkilos ng langit para iahon ako sa kumunoy ng kalungkutang kinalalagyan ko.. eto lang ang nararamdaman ko, NAHIHIYA AKO!

Bigla kong naisip, hindi rin pala ako karapat-dapat sa kahit anumang magandang bagay sa paligid ko. Hindi ang mga mabubuting gawa ko ang siyang magbibigay karapatan sa akin.. HINDI!

Nahihiya ako sa kababawan ng pananampalatayang ipinamalas ko.. at ngayon nga'y hindi ko alam ang dapat na reaksyon ko sa mga nangyayari.. at nahihiya talaga ako sa Diyos.

Alam kong nasaktan ako ng labis.. Pero mas nasaktan ko ang Panginoon.

dear Lord

2004-07-20T16:46:00.000+08:00

Dear Lord, I know that by looking at my life now, I could be easily disheartened. And at this point, I am indeed. But You have promised that You are near to those who are brokenhearted, to those who have lost hope. And so with You I know there is no problem too big, no hurt too deep, no mistake so bad that I cannot overcome. Grant me Your gift of courage and help me to cast my fears and anxieties upon You. Keep me close to You, Lord, and protect me from the snares of the evil one whose only plan is to draw me apart from You. I know that if you are with me, nobody can be against me.

2004-07-20T15:44:00.000+08:00

i feel suffocated
im sick and tired

of my work
of my thoughts
of my pain
of my present status

i can't breathe
i can't move

i'm but paralyzed
by these changes

when will this end

help

2004-07-20T15:34:00.000+08:00

whew!! ngayon ko lang 'to sobrang naapreciate.. and the reason is so obvious..

help!
i need somebody help!
not just anybody help!
you know i need someone help!

when i was younger so much younger than today
i never needed anybody's help in any way
and now these days are gone
i'm not so self assured
now i find i've changed my mind
i've opened up the doors

help me if you can i'm feeling down
and i do appreciate you being 'round
help me get my feet back on the ground
won't you please, please help me?

and now my life has changed in oh so many ways
my independence seems to vanish in the haze
but every now and then i feel so insecure
i know that i just need you
like i've never done before

help me if you can i'm feeling down...
when i was younger so much younger than today...
help me if you can i'm feeling down...

(by Beatles)

will of the wind

2004-07-20T13:59:00.000+08:00

WILL OF THE WIND (Jim Photoglo) I spent half my life looking for the reasons things must change. And half my life trying to make things stay the same. But love would fade like summer into fall. All that I could see was a mystery it made no sense at all. The will of the wind you feel it and then. It will pass you blowing steady. It comes and it goes and God only knows. You must keep your sails on ready. So when it begins get all that you can. You must befriend the will of the wind.

I spent so many hours just thinkin' 'bout the way things might have been. And so many hours trying to bring the good times back again. And so it goes for lonely hearted fools. They let their days slip away until they give into. The will of the wind you feel it and then. It will pass you blowing steady. It comes and it goes. And God only knows you must keep your sails on ready. So when it begins get all that you can. You must befriend the will of the wind.. So when it begins get all that you can. You must befriend the will of the wind..

changes

2004-07-20T13:44:00.000+08:00

changes... all-around me are but changes

sa bilis ng mga pangyayari, di ko na matandaan ang mga naging reaksyon ko sa mga pagbabagong ito. Nagsabay-sabay kasi. Dito sa opisina, sa bahay maging sa personal kong buhay. Lahat ata nabago.

Minsan nga gusto ko ng umangal. Aba'y isa-isa lang.. mahina ang kalaban. Pero talaga sigurong panahon na para maranasan ko ang lahat ng ito. Ito nga siguro yung sinasabing next level. Pero sandali, nakalimutan atang itanong sa akin kung handa na ako.

Basta ngayon ang nararamdaman ko lang, pagod ako. I'm stressed out. Naubos na ata ang lakas ko habang pinagmamasdang mag-ibang bihis ang mga bagay sa buhay ko.

Totoo na to...

am i half alive?

2004-07-20T11:13:00.000+08:00

... Iam convinced that life must be accepted such as it is given to us. That is the real first commandment, prior the other ten. All events are in the hands of God, and we know nothing about their evolution. I am trying to say that to accept life such as it is given is to ACCEPT THE UNFORESEEABLE.. You don't know what it will bring you, and that is precisely why you must accept it. Otherwise you are only HALF ALIVE, you are living like a non-swimmer wading near the shore, while the ocean is not really the ocean until YOU ARE OUT OF YOUR DEPTH.

( excerpts from Milan Kundera's Farewell Waltz)

2004-07-19T10:32:00.000+08:00

Everyday, I become more and more helpless. What others may see as strength being developed in me, is for me, my very weaknesses. Each day unveils my nothingness, my incapacity to control things and to manipulate the outcomes of my life.

But then again, when i feel so down and helpless, then and there I become more hopeful. I then begin to fathom the real meaning of life. It is but living your purpose!!

and so i sing

2004-07-16T12:00:00.000+08:00

I'm holding on to my faith
Searching for reasons
I'm counting on to my prayers
Waiting for answers
That may come my way
That may lead the way

I'm confused, I'm torn
Don't know where to turn to
My heart is shattering
My vision's faltering
I'm down on my knees Lord

Where is your comfort
Where is your love

Help me restore my strength
Restore my faith
Let me stand in your love again
I'll be waiting
Consume from the fires of the heaven

At ano nga ba ang gusto kong mangyari?

2004-07-16T11:51:00.000+08:00

Sa totoo lang, sobrang natatakot ako. Kagabi naisip ko na buti na rin at wala pa akong balita sa kanya. Kasi hanggang ngayon di pa rin ako sigurado kung kaya ko ng tanggapin kung anuman ang itinakda para sa akin. Na habang nasa kawalan ako, may karapatan pa akong umasa na magiging maayos pa ang lahat. Na habang wala pang katiyakan sa tunay nyang kalagayan, maaari pa akong mangarap. Maari ko pang panghawakan ang mga mithiin ng puso ko..

Natatakot ako. Sana hindi ito katulad ng mga pangyayari sa nakaraan. Na sana hindi ako habangbuhay na pahirapan ng kawalang ito. Na sana dumating na ang mga sagot sa mga tanong at panalangin ko..

2004-07-16T11:38:00.000+08:00

What am I doing? Ganito na ba ako kadesperado? Ang alam ko lang nasasaktan ako. And this pain is just too unbearable i feel like im shattering into pieces.. Nawawalan na ba talaga ako ng pag-asa? Ano na ba talaga ang nangyayari sa akin?

Last night, i feel like giving up. Ayoko na. Hindi na ako natutuwa sa mga nangyayari sa buhay ko. I feel so lost, so lonely and so hopeless.

Why the prolonged agony? Sobrang nahihirapan na ako.

2004-07-14T13:38:00.000+08:00

Ngayon nyo sabihing matatag ako. Na pasasaan ba't mapagtatagumpayan ko rin ang laban na ito. Ngayon nyo sabihing may naghihintay sa aking magandang bukas, na ang nararamdaman kong sakit ay panandalian lamang. Pakiusap, ngayon na, habang nakakaramdam pa ako at hindi pa tuluyang minamanhid ng mga pasakit na ito.

Tinanggap ko ang bawat hagupit ng tadhana, gano man ito kasakit, gano man nito tinutunaw ang buo kong pagkatao. Heto at patuloy na akong nanghihina, kung hanggang saan ko pa kakayanin, hindi ko na alam.

Buksan nyo ang puso ko't makikita nyo ang isang nagpupumiglas na katauhan, patuloy na nilalabanan ang bawat paghamon at patuloy din namang nilalamon ng kaliwa't kanang mga pagsubok.

Sabi nila, kailangan ito sa pagpapalalim ng sarili, makakatulong sa pagpapatibay ng aking kabuuan. Pero di na lamang ako pinapaso ng mga pangyayaring ito bagkus sinusunog na nito ang minsang binuo kong mga pangarap. Binubuwag na nito ang mga bagay na maingat kong binuo para sa sarili ko..

i don't know

2004-07-09T12:52:00.000+08:00

I don't know, but i guess I just miss the old days.. when things were still simple and bearable and life is not that demanding as it is now.

Now I've come to know the real meaning of pain, of sadness and of loneliness. GROWING IS BUT PAINFUL.

lost in translation

2004-07-09T12:36:00.000+08:00

I have so many questions in mind. Everything about my life, my purpose and my future. It seems that there's so much to be anxious about. Yes, I am so clouded by all of these uncertainties.

I seek for answers to my questions. I yearn for confirmations, perhaps a sign to tell me that I'm on the right track.

I even need a miracle. I feel so helpless..

But I wanna rejoice amidst these circumstances. I want to see strength beyond these weaknesses. I know I am to find hope, in this seemingly dead end.

God, show me the way.. Lift up my lowly spirit and fight this battle for me..

babe

2004-07-09T10:39:00.000+08:00

Babe, this is hard for me. The thought that i can't do anything but wait, breaks me.. I want to know if you're ok..I want to hear your voice.. I want to see you..

I'm so weak, I need your strength and love to fill me.. I need to hear you voice to calm my troubled spirit..

I am not giving up...NEVER... never will I surrender my love for you..What we have is worth all these hurts and pains..

But for now, let my love bridge the distance and touch you. Always remember that you have the whole of me.. I will be here waiting.

I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!

im back!

2004-07-05T13:49:00.000+08:00

I'm at peace now. I'm happy to be back on my spiritual senses again. I thank God for never giving up on me...

Let afflictions come for God has chosen me
Poverty you may walk through my door
but God is already in my house and He has chosen me

Sickness you may intrude into my life
But I have a cure standing ready for God is by my side
I know that I shall overcome for he has chosen me

Whatever occurs in the valley of tears I KNOW GOD HAS CHOSEN ME

Addicting

2004-07-02T14:43:00.000+08:00

They say this stuff is addicting.. well, IT IS!!!! I can't wait to fill up this page with my entries. I'm excited to write down my thoughts thereby liberate myself from too much burdens..

BEHOLD, my mind is now working and my emotions just get too keyed up to be exposed..

this week

2004-07-02T14:21:00.000+08:00

My week started with a bang, and now I'm afraid to might end it with a disaster. Last Sunday i felt great, as if nothing bothers me anymore. Monday, still with high spirit then came Tuesday with an outburst of loneliness. My emotions have just found the right time to blow up. I'm again shattering into pieces but I can't afford to see myself be lost again. No, not amidst a seemingly improved situation..

But I still have a day and a half.. my week is not yet over..

perplexed

2004-07-02T10:02:00.000+08:00

What do you want me to learn, God? Im amidst no ordinary situation now. My heart starts to fail and I guess Im continually losing grasp on things. Im afraid to be swamped by this pain but I cant help but be consumed by this misery. Sorry. Maybe Im just focusing much on my situation instead of seeking your mercy/grace. I don't know if I can hold on anymore, but please sustain me Lord!! Please teach my heart to be still. Let me see You in control of everything.

just starting

2004-07-01T11:05:00.002+08:00

This is my first day to blog.. And my real intent is to have something to bury myself in. WAWAWAWA.... May sound pathetic but who cares??? This is my life and more importantly THIS IS MY PAGE!!!